Loving

“No, that’s not what I mean. No, no… I mean that I love them. I’ve been

so lucky to have been able to have someone to love so much.”

-Bessie (Diane Keaton); Marvin’s Room

“Let’s hit the bars, Henry. The ladies are waiting.”

“You go, Jack. I’m tired of trolling for women at the bars and clubs. I want a more meaningful relationship.”

“The girls I meet at the bars hold a lot of meaning for me. A man has his needs, you know.”

“No, I’m good here tonight.”

“Your loss, Henry. I’m feeling lucky tonight.”

“You always feel lucky.”

“You’re not going to find the love of your life sitting at home, Henry. You’ve got to get out and mingle.”

“Good things come to those who wait, Jack.”

“Good luck with that, Henry.”

———-

Cursed with the mind and soul of the proverbial incurable romantic, Henry sought the distant dream of true love. He would not settle. Guys like Henry are most often doomed to disappointment.

He had looked everywhere for true love, sort of a Where’s Waldo of the heart- bars, clubs, church groups, book clubs, adult rec programs, and in one desperate effort, a line dancing class. In the end, Henry remained alone. He thought about her as he drifted off into sleep, in the car on the way to work, during Father Hanley’s sermons, and, of course, in his dreams.

Henry was what you’d call a “good guy”, average in all measures- not too flashy, but not boring; not handsome, but not repulsive; not athletic, but not a complete klutz. He was a good employee, a good son, a good brother, and a good friend. An outside observer would think he had a good life, and he did, except for that nagging missing part. He was a 100-piece puzzle working with 99 pieces, unable to live a full, complete life. Jack knew.

“I feel for you, old buddy. You might have to adjust your sights. I don’t think you’re going to find her.”

“She’s out there, Jack. I’ll find her.”

“Tell me, Henry, what’s she like anyway?”

“I’m not sure, but I’ll know it when I see her.”

———-

It’s rare, but sometimes a person will find a priceless artifact at a garage sale. This day, treasure lurked behind the counter at Lilly’s Grill, a greasy spoon restaurant favored by cross-country truckers and those low on cash. Henry knew the place from his childhood, having grown up just half a mile down the road. He hadn’t been there for years, but unknown forces determined that today would be a good day for him to reminisce. He took a seat at the familiar counter.

“Can I help you?”

It was the voice of an angel. Henry’s eyes moved up from the menu to behold the most beautiful sight his eyes had ever captured.

“Would you like to order something?”

Spellbound. The gift of speech evaded Henry. He forgot where he was and why he was there.

“Uh…”

“Yes?”

“Uh… uh…”

And with the hint of a smile…

“I’ll give you a little more time with the menu.”

“Um… ah… well, thank you.”

He knew. Love, true love, is not an evaluation, a process of measuring pros and cons, sharing interests, getting to know one another, reaping the benefits of a mutual aid society, or sexual gratification. It is magical, spiritual, exhilarating, a feeling that transcends the human experience. It is not rolling thunder that creeps across your horizon and envelops you; it is a lightning strike that rattles you to the core in an instant. Henry was hit hard.

Physical descriptions aren’t relevant when speaking of true love, but if Henry were pressed on the issue, he’d likely reference her smile. It spoke. Like sounds some can’t hear, not all could have read what was in that smile, but Henry could. From her reaction to his tongue-tied, failed effort to form words, he knew she was sweet and kind, averse to offending. He noted a gentle sense of humor that elicited a smile when he was unable to speak.

“Are you ready to order?”

With time, Henry had composed himself.

“Yes, uh… eggs and bacon, hash browns, and a large glass of orange juice… and did I say eggs?”

“Yes, you did. And how would you like your eggs?”

‘Right on the plate with the hash browns.”

Now smiles were replaced with laughter- both of them.

———-

“Want to watch some football, Henry? I think we’ve got the Packers- Bears game or the Cowboys and the Giants.”

No response.

“Henry?”

“What?”

“Do you want to watch some football?”

“I dunno. Who’s playing?”

“Oh my God, Henry, are you in la-la land or what?”

A hint of a smile.

“As a matter of fact, Jack, I am.”

Henry went on to describe his encounter at Lilly’s that morning. She was beautiful, wonderful, the one he had been searching for. He felt like he had been wrapped in a warm blanket since the moment he saw her, relaxed, calm, content, happy.

“Ok, Henry, I’ll let the warm blanket crap go, but I’m happy for you. I really am. What’s her name?”

“I don’t know.”

“What? The girl of your dreams, the one who wrapped you in a warm blanket, and you don’t even know her name?”

“It might be Milly, or Molly. Her name tag was hard to read. Maybe it’s Holly.”

“Oh my God, Henry. Name tag? Where did you meet her?”

“Lilly’s Grill. She works there.”

“Lilly’s? That place is a dump.”

“A diamond in a coal mine, Jack.”

———-

Henry became a regular at Lilly’s. He wasn’t there every day as he didn’t want to appear to be a stalker. Same time of the day, same stool, and same order- eggs (scrambled), hash browns, and a large orange juice. Henry was not a risk-taker. He liked his regular order and was afraid he might not like whatever else he could order. Molly didn’t even need to ask.

“Good morning, Henry. I put your order in as soon as I saw you come in the door.”

“Thank you… Molly.”

The word left his lips like a prayer… Molly. Henry felt privileged just to say it. The girl he had dreamed of, searched for, was standing before him. They were breathing the same air. That warm blanket wrapped itself around Henry every moment she was near.

“Thanks, Henry. Have a good day.”

It already was a good day.

———-

“Henry, you’ve got to ask her out. This isn’t going anywhere until you do.”

“I know, I know. It’s just that it’s so nice right now… just seeing her once in a while, talking to her. I’m afraid that if she’s not looking at this the same way, it could be, you know, awkward.”

“Nothing ventured, nothing gained, my friend.”

“I know, but I don’t think I’m getting the same vibe, and if she rejects me…”

“Hell, Henry, I’ve been rejected a thousand times. You just move on.”

There was no moving on for Henry.

———-

Alone with his thoughts. Same ritual as before- Henry thought of her as he faded into sleep, drove his car to work, zoned out on Father Hanley’s sermons, and in his dreams… but now he wasn’t searching. He had the picture. As soon as he thought of her face, her smile, Henry felt good inside.

Molly was on his mind morning, noon, and night. She was even more than he could have hoped for. It wasn’t so much Molly as it was the depth of his feelings. Henry always knew he wanted true love, but having never experienced love before, he couldn’t have known the feeling. Now he did, and it was bigger, better, more wonderful than he could have imagined. He couldn’t define it. No one can. But Henry knew he loved Molly.

Love at first sight? Why not? It could be more real, more genuine than one of those loves that blossom and grows over time, one that is perhaps more rooted in familiarity, routine, comfort, reciprocal kindness, dependence, and appreciation. Parents don’t learn to love their kids. Henry needed no time to love Molly.

———-

“You’ve lost your marbles, pal. How can you love someone you hardly know? It’s not real, Henry. You’re living in a dream world.”

“I don’t know, Jack. I just do.”

“Not possible.”

“It’s a feeling, Jack. Like for people who believe in God. Love… faith. Same thing. You either have it or you don’t.”

“Wow, listen to the love doctor. You haven’t had a date for two years. It’s not real, Henry. You’re delusional. What do you know about love?”

“I know I don’t need a reason to love her, but I do.”

“Fine. So, what are you going to do about it, Romeo?”

“I don’t know.”

———-

The debate was on. How would Henry move from a casual friendship to his dream of true love? His social life was next to nothing, so he had a hard time trying to think of something they could do together. He went through the possibilities. A movie? Miniature golf or bowling? (Although Henry hated the former and had never done the latter.) An afternoon at the zoo? Dinner? Nothing seemed right. He’d have to give it some thought, which also took the pressure off Henry as that meant he could put off the big moment… again.

He loved everything about Lilly’s Grill- the wobbly tables, the worn linoleum floor, the round stools that spun 360 degrees, the ragged clientele, the food, the smells of smoke and grease, and, of course, Molly. At first, there was a bit of a fear factor, a feeling of intimidation one might experience in the presence of the Queen. He ventured close to heart attack territory those times he contemplated asking if he could see her outside of work.

He decided he’d ask her to dinner. He rehearsed the lines in front of a mirror. “Say, Molly, you know, I was thinking. You’re always bringing me something to eat, so I was thinking maybe I should take you to dinner sometime.” He bounced it off Jack.

“Mmm, a little on the dorky side, but at least you’re not asking her to go bowling or something stupid like that.”

“Ha, ha, of course I would never even think of something like that.”

He tried on different attire for the grand occasion and posed in front of that same mirror. He wanted something nice… but not too nice.

“Jesus Christ, Henry, who cares? You look fine. She’s not going to go out with you because of your clothes.”

In the end, Henry had the lines and the clothes. He lacked the courage.

———-

“Why don’t you try something else, Henry?”

“No way, Molly. I’m a scrambled eggs and hash browns guy. Can’t go wrong with that.”

“I’ll tell you what, Henry, you try something else, and it will be my treat.”

There it was, the perfect opening for his smooth lines. She just offered to buy breakfast for Henry. It would be the right time to hit her with, “No, I’ll buy you dinner instead.” The good news was that Henry thought of it; the bad news was that his brain couldn’t get his mouth to cooperate. He froze and even passed on the free breakfast.

At first, he thought he wasn’t worthy. Now he feared destroying what he had. He liked what he had. He could be near the girl of his dreams whenever he wanted, see her, talk to her, and enjoy that smile. Henry didn’t want to risk losing his warm blanket with a rejected dinner request.

He looked for clues, something that would tip off a possible interest in him as more than a friend. He wasn’t seeing any. Like many guys a little short on confidence, he prayed she’d make the first move. However hard he looked or prayed, they remained on opposite sides of the counter.

———-

His mother told him, “When in doubt, pray for guidance.” Maybe he just needed to get closer to the source of Divine power for his prayers to be effective, so he made the short trip over to St. Mary’s. Molly was on Henry’s mind as the heavy wooden door creaked open as Henry entered the church. He looked at the beautiful stained-glass windows he had admired so much as a child and walked to a pew about halfway up the aisle. There are few places on earth more conducive to prayer and reflection than an empty church at night, and Henry gave it his best shot.

He thanked God for bringing him to her in the first place. (Sister Mary Martin taught him that you need to mix a little thanking in with your asking.) He prayed for guidance… and a little courage.. and some peace. A touch of anxiety was interfering with his ability to love. It was better at the outset when he first found her. Figuring out his next move was causing him some stressful days and nights.

A sense of calm settled in as Henry left the church. Not quite a warm blanket, but he felt better.

———-

Henry smiled the moment he walked in the door. Molly was behind the counter, and he felt that warm blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He felt good just to be there, and he reflected on what a terrible thing it would be if it ever ended. Molly, more particularly his love for Molly, had become part of his life. He watched her movements, noted the time she spent with other customers, and compared it to their interactions. He was looking to see something special in their relationship. He wasn’t seeing it, but that didn’t interfere with his ability to enjoy those moments when he was close to Molly. That was enough for Henry.

“What are you so happy about today, Henry?”

It showed.

———-

“So, did you ask her to dinner?”

“Nope, I couldn’t do it.”

“Coward.”

“No, it wasn’t that. I didn’t want to take the chance.”

“I hear ya’. Rejection stings, but you have to do it sometimes.”

“It wasn’t so much that I feared rejection. I’m afraid of losing her.”

“What? Losing her? What are you talking about, Henry? How could you lose her? You don’t have her in the first place.”

“In a way, I sort of do have her, Jack. As it is, I can see her most every day, hear her voice, smile because she’s smiling, laugh when she laughs… just be near her. And when I’m not there, I can think about her. It makes me happy just to think about her. It’s hard to explain, but I feel good inside… just loving her.”

“What?! Are you out of your mind? You’re ok just loving her? Without… you know, being with her, being together, like boyfriend-girlfriend, man and wife?”

“I love her, Jack. She doesn’t have to love me back.”

Jack was mulling that one over.

“And if I asked her out, if she found out how I feel about her, that could spoil everything. It would make her feel, you know, uncomfortable. She might treat me differently than she does now, you know, like she’d be afraid that she’d be leading me on. I’d lose what I have now.”

“Tell me again what you have now, Henry.”

“The ability to love her, Jack. If I never saw her again, I guess I’d still love her, but it’s better this way.”

Jack remained in a confused state.

“You’re not in the real world, my friend.”

———-

Henry walked to the door of Lilly’s Grill a bit slower this morning. His feelings for Molly were as strong as ever, but he was rethinking his approach. Maybe Jack was right. Maybe it was time to stop dreaming and get back into the real world.

“Good morning, Molly.”

“Morning, Henry. I’ll put your order in.”

Henry felt like he needed to say something, but the words escaped him. Molly paused and set her order pad down on the counter.

“Say, Henry, I’m in a couple’s bowling league, and don’t laugh, but my Dad is my partner… and he sprained his ankle last night. So… I was wondering if you’d like to fill in for him tonight. Do you bowl?”

Spellbound again, but only for a moment.

“I do now.”